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Inner monologue upon finding an unfamiliar pink pill on the bathroom floor

June 18, 2022June 14, 2022

Oh my god. What is this? OH MY GOD?!?!? Who is taking pills? I will not survive these high school years, I won’t.

What is it, speed, painkiller, what? I’ve never taken anything that looks like that. What am I going to do? I need to sell this house and homeschool these kids in Idaho until they are 21.

Crap. I need to go to the pill I.D. website and describe this thing and find out what it is. Then I’m going to track down the dealer and go freaky bloody Kill Bill ninja MILF-on-fire lioness on his pathetic dealing skanky existence. Who would sell pills to kids?!?! I’m going to pluck out his eyeballs.

(I reach down to pick up the pill. It feels somewhat soft, like a soft gel pill. I bring it close to my face to see if it has any markings, and I can smell it. It smells like cotton candy.)

Pill identified: squashed mini jelly bean.

Oh my god, they are slobs but I love them, they are such good kids. I love my sweet sweet babies!!!

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