Today I was sitting at a cafe killing an odd hour between appointments with a little chai, a little sunshine and a little pen and paper. A couple in their late 40s sat near me. They looked okay, a little country, both on the sandy/red-haired side, both in khakis–him in cowboy boots and her in bedazzled flip-flops. Nothing really remarkable, except that they were persistently looking at me. Nodding and gesturing to each other about me. I was certain, and it was very odd. If I looked toward them, he grinned and she looked down at the cookie she was destroying into a crumb pile.
(Do I know them somehow?) I couldn’t place them.
They continued with the non-verbal communication with each other. Nods from him, head throws my way. If they were a foreign movie, his subtitle would read: go ahead, do it. Hers would say: no, I can’t, stop.
I was growing annoyed. My moments alone are few and precious, and they were making me feel not alone. I scribbled harder. Before long, she approached my table. WTF?
She: Hi, I was noticing you and wondered if I could say something?
(This ought to be good.)
She: We were seeing how hard you were working, and we wanted, I mean I want…
(Okay, she is seriously nervous, darting her eyes back and forth to her husband who is beaming.)
She: We are having a little party on Saturday and thought you might like to come…
(Are they about to set me up with someone? Oh, man…)
She: And there will be pampering! It’s a pampering party. I really like pampering, and I’ll give you a hand massage because you are working hard, you know…
(Is she picking me up? Really? This is starting to feel like a pick-up. He was sitting and staring, looking expectant, leaning forward and nodding, as though he could make me say yes with the power of the Secret. Oh, no. No, this was not happening. I looked around for a witness or a savior, but nada.)
She: And a facial, we’re giving facials, do you like facials?
(Oh. Oh. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. A free facial. I see.)
Me: Do you mean like a Mary Kay party?
She: Yes! Exactly. Saturday at…
Me: Ha, oh, whew, I thought you both were asking me out on a date. You’re not swingers.
She: Oh, my god, no, Craig, ha ha ha, oh boy, listen Craig, no, see , my husband is helping me get up the courage to tell people about the products and the business, but I don’t want to put people on the spot—I told you Craig–but, yeah, it will be really nice and you’ll probably really like it….
Me: But just facials?
She: Oh, yes, with other people too, and color matching, and we have new…
Me: Um, no thanks, good for you for asking but good luck to you now!
What a relief! I didn’t know until today, but I not really up to threesomes these days. I don’t know, maybe I’m getting old, it just seemed like it would have been a lot of extra work. I need to get better about spotting a pyramid scheme, though. That was a close call.