I travel for work. Not too terribly often, but I enough that it annoys me. Enough that it isn’t fun to travel or see new cities because I only get to see the inside of conference-based hotels.
I’d flown enough that take-off and landing were no big deal to me. I could talk or listen to music or continue my mental listing of things I need to do when I can pull my laptop out.
Then I became a mom.
Then take-off and landing meant I might just be wiped off the face of the earth and leave my baby without a momma. It meant I would white-knuckle each departure and connection with the ground. I would pray (to any god happening to listen) that I be safely able to return to the ground to hold my baby again.
It doesn’t help that this pattern began because I had to fly away from my baby when she was just 2 months old.
Flying with her is a different story. We giggle, look out the window, eat Cheerios. We do anything in hopes that her ears don’t hurt and to prevent her from being “that kid” on the plane. Life is good with my baby on my lap. It’s a fantastic distraction.
But when my lap sits empty and my hands free of all-things-baby, I have time to think. Much too much time.
Once I land at my destination, the inevitable run to catch a connection or shuttle erases the anxiety.
But every time I sit in that stiff upright seat and hear the engines prepare to jettison me, by myself, into the atmosphere, I hear the ominous words sing “I’m leaving on a jet plane…don’t know when I’ll be back again.”
Then I tear up and hold my breath.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I do this exact thing.
I hate traveling alone.
I told my husband this year that I want them along on all my travel, which is obviously not in the realm of possibility, but I dread flying without them…and not returning.
How could my baby ever live without me? Who would clean out her ears or know which medicine she needs w/ a cold? She would be sad and hate me for leaving her for work. I what-if myself into oblivion.
Blogher will be the first time I leave my almost-three-year-old (by then) daughter longer than a haircut. I can’t handle the thought of being separated from her and something going horribly wrong. Yeah, not healthy. Totally have to get that in check.
I’ve flown alone with my 2 daughters more times than I can count. I’m flying without them for the first time this summer. I hadn’t really thought about that until just now. Hmm.
Oh. Sorry to idea drop. It’s great to come home and see the babies again when they’re no worse for the wear. I really have to be a robot about it while I’m gone. I get mushy otherwise.
Last summer was the last time I ever left them for a weekend. As much as I wanted some “me” time… I was a blubbering mess. Flying away will be even harder… so I’m ignoring the whole idea for now.
: )
Cortney! Except for the flying with your kid part, I wrote this post. I feel this post. Hell, my daughter and I even sing “Leaving on a Jet Plane” the night before I fly.
I fly twice a year for work, and it’s the most think-about-your-own-mortality experience for me. Take off and landing seems so fast that you’re just going to crash into a wall. All I think about is getting back to my family safely.
Everyone else here LOVES flying alone. Blech.
Ok. I cried when I read that you sing that song with your daughter. That’s sweet, but I can’t even think that song without choking up. Gah, blurry computer screen…
Oh…I’m sorry. Not really the entire song, just that line. And we scream it really loud in an effort to diffuse the anxiety. No crying. I’m so so so sorry.
I cry. I’m a crier. Yeah, I can probably scream through the bubble in my throat.
Seriously, I could. not. handle. singing that song to my daughter before flying away. Even loud and screamy. Hats off to you, you cold hearted ice queen (JOKE!).
You know, I never thought about it in this way. I was a flight attendant for a while back when I had only 2 kids (when #3 decided to jump in on the game, I found out about him the day before my airline went bankrupt, but that’s a whole different story…). My husband casually told me one day that he’d conditioned himself so that every time I left the house to go to work he expected I wouldn’t return. Depsite how morbid that sounds, he said it was because he was beling realistic about the posibility of my plane crashing and him being left to raise 2 young children in the hopes that it wouldn’t come as such a shock if it actually DID happen.
I guess I kind of understood where he was coming from, and I can see where you are also. In my mind, though, during take-off & landing I still go over my evacuation procedures & imagine shouting the commands. I don’t have time to think about what I’d be leaving behind because I’d been conditioned to think about how to save as many people as possible in the event of an emergency. Distraction is the key! ^_^
I have found that same distraction helpful for me. I sit in the exit row whenever possible. (1) I won’t have someone with a kid making me homesick beside me (2) extra leg room and (3) I can help other people and save the world and then go home to my kids … and (4) uh, I’m by the door and don’t have to worry about panicky people keeping me from escaping.
I used to travel all the time for work before I had a child. But I’m quite the opposite. I get white knuckled anyway for take-off and landing. I think having a baby would totally stress me out while flying.
Now that my son is 4 though, I’d love for him to come. We took him on his first airplane ride last year and he loved it!
With a kid in my lap, I’m just so frazzled from the security (take the baby’s shoes off, ma’am), haul to terminal, last minute run to change diaper (poo is triggered by the boarding process, did you know that?) and boarding chaos that I’m just so relieved to be sitting. Give her a blanket and a book…I’m good to go.
My husband flies for work, every week and as he actually flies the plane…I don’t think he ever thinks of this possibility. Though I do, for him.
I can’t leave my kids with anyone but him, so I don’t see any trips without them in my near or far future! I know my mother always wanted us to travel separate when we flew..my dad on one plane and she on another…so in case anything happened we would not be without a parent.
Wait. Did they *actually* fly on separate flights? That’s an amazing commitment to the cause.
They did it a few times but it was more of a hassle. And then someone told my mom that worse things could happen just going for a drive.
I know exactly what you mean..I say i silent prayer every time I take off that the plane lands safely….I have in the past envisioned my kids not having me and I start to get panicky before take off. I have learned a bunch of strategies to avoid that “panic” and remind myself that flying is safer than driving and I drive without my kids all the time.
I HATE flying since I had kids. The take of and landing totally sounds like my life’s death rattle. I used to think anxious flyers were losers.
I told my gnrdamtoher how you helped. She said, ?bake them a cake!?
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As a flight attendant flying over 20 flights a week, I don’t worry much about this. After all, if I thought about that, then I would have to think about all the car accidents and slip-and-falls and. . . . well, there is just too much that could happen!!
I am pretty morbid, tho. Trying to get everything in order and situated so if I was to go, well. . . then everyone would be ok. But I understand your anxiety – and trust me, from all the people I see everyday at work, you are most definetely not alone.
I do find it interesting how there is so much paranoia associated with flying. It’s very understandable for you to be worried about your child, and I’m not criticizing anyone… But why are we so scared of flying? Sure, humans aren’t built for it, and you ARE technically rocketing through the air in excess of 500 mph, 35,000 feet above sea level, but flight is scarily safe. I suppose it doesn’t help that whenever a plane has a major malfunction it makes national news.
I’m a terribly rational person when it comes down to things. If flying weren’t safe, I wouldn’t be boarding 4-6 planes a month. Not with a baby at home. It’s just that moment of departing the perceived safety of the ground (and putting my fate in someone else’s hands) that gives me a little gut punch. I completely understand your comment.
Ah, that makes sense. I tend to get a bit of an adrenaline rush once we leave the ground; after all, I’m FLYING! In my eyes, if the plane is going to crash, I shouldn’t worry. It’s not my fault if it does, and there’s almost nothing I could do to stop it from happening. I have, however, read into how to give yourself the best chance of surviving a 20,000 foot drop; if my plane goes down, I’m at least going to make an attempt at surviving. Nobody’s taking me off this planet without a fight.
I apologize if I sound rude, your fears are rational. I just prefer to feel fear if I’m directly risking my own well being through my own actions. Others have different philosophies of fear. To each their own.